Thursday, 22 January 2009

Worlds Greatest New Sport

I found the greatest sport in the world on Facebook yesterday. It is minority sport that i think will take the world by storm

WhiskeyChess StrongMan-Boxing!!

All sports are estrogen compared to Whiskychess Strongman-Boxing.

This is speed chess and boxing in alternate rounds - however, the chess pieces are giant and carved from stone or concrete-filled normal giant pieces (i.e. ranging from about 80 kilos or so for a pawn, through to the King, which is about 180). They need to be fully moved to complete a normal turn. Obviously, there is much less energy expended moving smaller pieces - but try a bold queen move into enemy territory when your queen weighs as much as a fully-stacked refrigerator for a family of six!

(Also, to make things interesting, two shots of whisky must be drunk BEFORE each chess round. These must be finished before round commences.)

Victory can come from checkmate, knockout, exhaustion (failure to complete chess moves), or emesis (vomiting). We'd have doctor stoppage but we've asked two and they both say the Hippocratic oath prevents them from participating. (We put it to them that it would make it then more ethical to participate, because we're bloody well going to do this anyway, but neither have replied yet...)

Ties are decided by a glass eating contest!! Just kidding. We want to live to whiskychess strongman-box another day!!

NOTE: This is the only official sport endorsed by Hangover Black and Chuck Norris.



"Are you kidding?"

No, this is perfectly serious. And stop asking. Those of you who know us know 1) we're mad 2) we've been complaining for years that there aren't enough 'new' sports. People seem closed to the idea of anything that breaks their traditional idea of what a 'sport' should be. It even shits me to put quotation marks around the word - what crap! The moment you pick a stone up, or punch someone while contemplating the Sicilian Defence, suddenly it isn't sport because it's got MORE competitive spirit. How the SHIT does that work???

"Are you planning on getting sanctioned?"

Obviously we can't get sanctioned, but we can damn well do the same thing anyway. We know how BAI bouts work. -> same rules. Plus whisky, and giant chess with insanely heavy pieces, of course.

"This is insane. The whisky is taking it too far."

All competitive sports are dangerous, some moreso than others. But none of them are healthy. Tell me a marathoner grinding their joints to powder, or a boxer training heavy bag with busted metatarsals, or a powerlifter squeezing their fat arse into a piece of body armour that extrudes them into meat putty is the Jack LaLanne portrait you've painted for yourself. Get real. At least we're honest about it.

If anything, the whisky makes it SAFER. Normal chess boxing goes more rounds than James L. Sullivan did.

"When is the first match?"

We're trying to get ring time for March. Stay tuned, there are all sorts of crappy insurance issues etc. to sort out.

The ironic part was if we decided to do it in an alleyway somewhere, where the dangers are very real, it would be so very much easier...

"Can you explain the rules more carefully?"

Sure, all in good time... obviously we need to try them out ourselves first. In the meantime, check out chess boxing (the wikipedia page is fine), but extrapolate to very different circumstances. That's essentially it.


*gallic shrug* Why not?

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